I was a professional juggler for like five years and all of my friends politely pretend it never happened.
Sometimes I will be holding three or more similarly sized objects and they will all shoot me the kind of warning glances typically reserved for cats who are about to swipe a fresh and crispy fish stick from a small child’s hand.
I gaze wistfully at a basket of apples and they all think, “Don’t you FUCKING dare,” so hard that I take psychic damage.
idk how the hell i’ve run a blog called ‘botanyshitposts’ for almost four years now without ever thinking to talk about this but in high school my little brother wanted a pet that wouldnt die so we got him a moss ball for $8 at a pet store and he named it tiki and it lives in this dedicated plastic tank at our parents’ house even though we’re both at college now. usually it doesnt do anything but over the past two weeks of winter break our family has watched in horror as it has gone about the process of slowly and ominously rising from its usual position at the depths of its abode to the top, where it now floats with gravel bits stuck to it from literal years of not moving. my mom has moved it to behind the sink so now whenever i go to wash my hands in the kitchen i have to face it and im scared
just squeezed all the water out of her like yall said in the replies and i put her back and shes still floating….maybe she just likes it up there
update: she sank to the bottom and stayed there for days and i thought this story was over until i WALKED OVER TO THE SINK JUST NOW
test: pet her, tell her she is a good moss ball
results: she sit
wild things about this post:
-the amount of porn bots mass reblogging this bc of the word ‘ball’
-the amount of people with extensive knowledge about native moss ball habitats and care coming out of the woodwork to reply to this post
-the amount of people endeared and riveted by her ongoing performance
Welllllllllllllll periods suck(trust me, I was emotionally close with a woman, in fact close enough to feel her goddamn periods. Fuck I fucking hated it, men, don’t get that attached. Be supportive, feed her ice cream and whatever else she asks for, but don’t get attached enough to feel them. It’s not worth it.
Anyway, I hate to be callous but that’s just your body telling you to hurry up and get pregnant. Of course birth control also makes them not as bad, depending on what kind. Of course you find out that there’s more kinds of birth control than there are types of oil, which is a pain. There are more period blood containment things(yes, tht includes tampons, pads, cups, etc.) than there are types of oil according to my dad who actually knows his shit about the oil,saying there’s like 4 types.(Yes, talking about motor oil here)
So ladies, find what’s right for you. Ask a doctor. Test some different period things out. It’s for your own good
So I know that with the holidays some people gotta deal with shitty family or maybe don’t have a family so I’m just gonna say…
I can be your butch lesbian dad.
My skills in this department include:
Good at encouragement and compliments
Will put your drawings on my fridge
Will attend all your sports games and recitals; very good at clapping and using an air horn to show other parents that I am the Most Supportive
Always telling my coworkers how proud I am of you and of all the amazing things you do
Only 5'5", very unimposing and approachable
Will let you have as many pets as you want
Good at puns; once got booted from three different chat groups in the span of half an hour for pie puns
Will never fail to tell you how much I love you and how glad I am to be your dad
I’m so proud of you, kiddo!
With Father’s Day coming up, I would like to once again offer my services as a lesbian dad. I have added/remembered a few other skills within my repertoire:
Tacky shirts for all occasions
Will call you by nicknames such as “Sport”, “Kiddo”, “Champ”, “Buddy”, “Pumpkin”, “Buckeroo”, “Sonny”, “Sweetie”, or whatever you may prefer
If you want I can give your dates the Dad Look™ whilst chopping fruit with my great axe but then instead of giving them the Dad Talk™ I offer them some light refreshments (fruit salad) and ask them what they like to do (because you’re not my POSSESSION, why the fuck would I not trust your judgement? But I absolutely want to get to know the important people in your life!)
I will respect your gender and sexuality no matter what. 10/10 would take you to pride (probably while wearing a tacky rainbow “proudest lesbian dad” t-shirt)
I sing really loudly in the car (I know a lot of showtunes and rock ballads) and you are welcome either join in the singing or you can sit in your seat saying “uuuhhhggg you’re so EMBARASSING”. both of these reactions add to my enjoyment of driving with you
I will Always dance to the boppy 70’s music they play in the supermarket and my dance moves are Very Bad
If you want I can make a big show of leaping to my feet and saying, panicked, “YOU’RE NOT LEAVING DRESSED LIKE T H A T” so that you think I’m about to make you change but, no, I’m actually just grabbing the perfect accessory to match your shirt and then I give you a little kiss on the forehead and tell you to have a fun night
I am Small (only 5'5", very unimposing) but my heart is Big and my shoulders are good for crying on, should you need them
If you have goals and dreams and things you’re passionate about, I’ll always make time to hear them, and I’ll always encourage you to live your best life
Remember, Lesbian Dad loves you and wants you to have a great Father’s Day!!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from your local Lesbian Dad!!! ☃️🎅🎁
❤💚🎄❤💚 You know I’m always so grateful to have you all, kids!!! Peace and joy and happiness be yours, and may the new year bring even more!! ❤💚🎄❤💚
At this point there’s no excuse for a baby boomer to be technologically incompetent anymore. It’s just willful ignorance, this shit is not fucking hard
“why is it asking for a password” because you’re logging into something martha, that’s how it’s been for the last 20 fucking years
“how do i do [x] can you show me” no dale you can Google it like the rest of us. it requires one exposure to the concept of googling to understand how it works. your generation was smart enough to cause a total economic collapse out of malice but not smart enough to type in a few words I guess
“im just not tech savvy” no you just refuse to learn because like in most things you are stuck in your ways
the worst part is after you help an old fuck with some sort of tech bullshit 9 times out of 10 they’ll give you some kind of bullshit passive aggressive thank-you
like “oh i guess you young people have to know something about those phones you’re always on, huh?”
give me a fucking break gretchen i have depression from living in the economy you created and my phone is more of a reprieve than dealing with your stubborn inconsiderate ass
AND ANOTHER THING that just gets my blood boiling is their ability to get into their settings, completely fuck things up, and then manage to develop total amnesia about how it happened
what do you mean you set your phone to japanese on accident, phil? there’s like 15 separate menus you have to navigate through to get there
“i think it’s because i got a virus” no greg it’s not a virus, the only viruses here are your rampant stupidity and the deadly pathogens carried by your unvaccinated grandchildren
i just absolutely loathe that the people who decide if women should be executed for having abortions or not are the same people who can’t figure out how to work a blu-ray player with the instructions in front of them
